elaboration

2004-01-22T16:14:00.000-08:00

to appease the dickie...

Take my Quiz on QuizYourFriends.com!

2004-01-07T13:44:00.000-08:00

2004-01-05T13:04:00.000-08:00

Craziness happening so far this year- snowstorms, firemen, courts, a funeral (which I missed because I was stuck someplace else.) Not bad for being only five days old.

I need a female name for a character. Somewhat based on me. I'm tempted to name her Jade, but that's too simple, considering the plot.

2003-12-30T13:17:00.000-08:00

Just so I don't have to keep typing this- I sprained my wrist last week. It's kind of painful to type very much in one go, so I'm doing it in spurts. Not all that much different from my normal way of typing, but it's taking me much longer to get around to folks.

Lots of other stuff happening also, which I'll relay after the fact. Hindsight is so much more predictable than foresight.

2003-12-21T18:46:00.000-08:00

"Some say that ever 'gainst that season comes
Wherein a saviour's birth is celebrated,
The bird of dawning singeth all night long:
And then, they say, no spirit dare stir abroad,
The nights are wholesome, then no planets strike,
No fairy takes nor witch hath power to charm,
So hallow'd and so gracious is the time."
-Hamlet, Shakespeare

Have a nice hallow'd and gracious time, one and all. I'm done here for a while- gonna take a little sabbatical from the blog, so keep yourselves out of trouble while I'm away.

Cheers,
~a

2003-12-19T16:55:00.000-08:00

I've been doing a lot of digging through my old stuff, lately. Fortunately, that is what I'm left with these days. When I started moving around, I pleaded with my mother not to get rid of my writing or any of my photography. She agreed (she took some of it, but she agreed nevertheless). But that is all that is left from a previous life- some scraps of writing, some photographs, a few yearbooks that I never really wanted ("you'll regret it later". yeah. High school didn't mean much to me while it was a part of my daily life, why would it sometime in the far future?)

Anyway, I'm trying to decide what to do with it all. There are some pretty decent poems, a story I started in the sixth grade... a college term-paper that I aced... but mostly just me trying to grapple the world in the present time I wrote each of them. It's funny- this side of me has never really changed very much over the years. I would like to think I've matured past the age of... oh I don't know, twelve. But the written voice is the still same, even now.

2003-12-19T11:19:00.000-08:00

I am finished. done.

finally.

Quite the f'ing journey, let me tell you.... Wellington, Tokyo and now a little podunk theater in P-land. (actually, for those of you who know, it was the theater on Broadway. Not really podunk, but being under a skyscraper is bothersome.)

From first hearing about the trilogy from talking to die-hard Tolkien fans in NZ who were on a crazy expedition to find the LOTR set so they could fulfill their destiny to be extras (they were WAAAY off. I was in the North Island, filming at that time was down in the South Island. I remember the LOTR folks were trying to be secretive about where they were filming. But if you found them, they would oblige your efforts); to watching the first film in the town that many of its citizens put their blood, sweat and tears into.... (not to mention to see a Cave Troll looming over the street above the theater... heeeheee!!); to the stringy little fellow who was trying to get a job at Weta in Wellington (he was quite the computer animator) and all the world hype and hullabollu... whoosh.

What a ride.

I can finally move on, now that a side of my attention has been returned back to me.

There were a few points I crinkled my nose at for this last one, but damn... Peter Jackson had to finish not one movie, but three. His delievery throughout was consistantly above expectations. And the expectations for this triology was high, even for those who only knew ABOUT the Tolkien stories.

And it was so nice to see a bit of NZ again. coooo.

It was fun- I sort of got roped into a Christmas party for a Fab group at Intel (fab= fabrication plant). They all took off early to see the film- so a bunch of multicultural "nerds" were ahead of me in line. (heh- my brother works in one of those Fabs. not theirs though.) One guy hadn't seen the first two, so all his buddies were feeding him completely different plot lines. I got kind of swarmed in by them in the theater, which was great, because they completely got into the movie- applauding, cheering... I love that.

I have to say, my best movie experiences ever are associated with that silly trilogy.

2003-12-13T20:07:00.000-08:00

Some news in the real life of me....

I'm to be an aunt again. Well, technically, I'm already an aunt. But there's another one on the way. Due sometime in late July. Yet another kiddo running around correcting people, "No! That's not Amanda! That's Auntie Mandy!" heh. Should be fun.

Some thing a little less unrelated- after the holidays I'm going to pick up and move on. I think better on my feet. Even more so when I'm away from some of the little-more-destructive-than-helpful forces in my world.

Yeah, yeah- I should deal with them. Later. Right now, I have better things to do- like bulid my own safe haven.

yeah, yeah- I tried this in September. September was then. This is now.

The destination will be decided in a minute. That minute will be either before or after I'm moving. :)

And... oh yeah... I went to this place last night with a big crowd: Le Bistro Montage The poor bug (my nephew) watched in horror as my brother and I downed mussel shooters. He makes the greatest faces now, which provides never-ending entertainment for us "adults" in his life.

Good times. Jumbulaya.

2003-12-12T13:11:00.000-08:00

Obviously, this is going to need its own blog post....

Call me a freakin' nerd, call me a ring toadie, I don't care. I will find a way to get to the theater on Wednesday. Or Thursday. I've watched Lord of the Rings countless times now, due to the multiple voice-over commentaries available on the extended DVD. Just watching extended version is awesome- it's like watching a whole new movie. There's much more character development to balance out the battle scenes.

Two Towers is being purchased as I type this- a concession on my part as it was going to be a christmas present to my brother. Both of us wanted to see the second one again before watching the third. We should be able to watch Two Towers some time this weekend (hopefully).

All the misguided excitement from the Matrix triology is being funneled for better purposes. I refuse to watch the third installment of the Matrix. I was offered a chance to see it for free recently and I turned it down. I'm unemployed, spending much of my time cruising the net and I STILL consider my time more valuable than wasting it on that hour-plus garbage. I will not be bribed into watching crap because there's a name I recognize attached to it.

(okay, I know- I'm completely unhip on the DVD thing. But I've been in pop culture coma for the past few years. I tried watching the Billboard Music Awards the other night, thinking I could catch up a little as I need some new music. I turned it off after No Doubt. I didn't know anyone else on there except Sting. And I didn't want to.)

I'm 24 years old and I feel like I'm at least twice that old for demanding more from the entertainment industry. Even LOR is a solid piece of pure genre work- but at least it's SOLID.

2003-12-10T11:44:00.000-08:00

Things I've (re)learned this week

- speaking the same language as the hairdresser isn't necessarily an advantage.

- I really miss New Zealand. I mean, REALLY miss the place. Really.

- I hate watching previews for a movie I know I want to see. So now, I shield my vision when advertisements show me scenes. I don't want to see the best scenes before the rest of the movie. Surprise me, dammit. Or I'll surprise myself.

- etymology of the phrase "red herring"- as peasants returned to their homes with illegally poached deer, they would drag a dead bloody fish (red herring) across different trails to confuse the lord's bloodhounds.

- dying is a very personal action.

- re: double negative. The Italians have a saying: Non ho niente mia! (I don't have nothing never!) A triple negative that defies all grammatical logic. But I'm sure we've all been there.

- Inconceivable- adj. 1. not conceivable; unimaginable. 2. unbelievable.

- the world is just a little more wonderful to have cats in it. (my cat made me say that. if I don't, he'll continue to wake me at 3 in the morning to be fed. How may you ask? By tickling me. He knows I won't wake up to any noise he can make. So he tickles my arms and face. I'm hoping this blog mention will work. I'm losing a lot of sleep due to the laughter.)

- I have a terrible amount to learn about the world. Like surfing.

- and I am this:

2003-12-09T12:26:00.000-08:00

Fantastic dream last night. It even had a title- "Route 1". It was about three brothers growing up on the California coast in the 1940s. The father was sort of a Willy Loman character, always trying his damnedest to do right by his family and sell brushes to get the commission. The mother was dead, I think- never saw her in the dream.

Anyway, the brothers are surfers and none of them ever think to settle down and raise a family, like their father had to. Each of them wants to pursue hopeful aspirations- mostly tied to riding big waves. Yet eventually, they all fall into a family life- a first (popular) route to happiness. They have 14 kids between the three families. I think my role was as their teacher, because I had all of them sitting down on a bench, kids falling off on both sides.

I love it when my dreams make up interesting stories. I'm just as much of a spectator as anyone else.

Speaking of which, I'm working on a doozy of a story offline, which I hope, explains for some of the lack of posting and seemingly irrelevant subject matter. But then, it's my blog.

oh yeah... shhhh. Don't tell anyone.

But I plan on busting out of here come January.

2003-12-08T16:16:00.000-08:00

Well, what do you know? I received a letter from Santa Claus today.

Kid you not. It's from Santa Claus, Indiana... so I know it's real. (A little side note- I have relations near all sorts of Christmas attractions- North Pole, Alaska and this place.) He tells me he has very big secret waiting for me for Christmas, so this should be interesting.

2003-12-08T15:44:00.000-08:00

The man I've been helping to take care of the past few months has taken a turn for the worst. It's painfully sad- the whole family has shut down, just waiting for the inevitable. Nowhere to go. Just only to let go.

Time to reevaluate what is and the time that is given.

2003-12-05T15:31:00.000-08:00

The reason I bring this love stuff up is that I've recently come to the idea that I could live a very full life without feeling it again. (I'm talking about romantic love, not familiar love).

I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not, but it seems to be a pretty fair asessment.

Of course, this probably cancels out on having intimate relationships with any real meaning, but that's not happening much anyway. And I am okay with that.

I'm happiest on my own terms. I'm not looking to get married or have any children. Dating gives me a headache. Being broken-up over someone is awful. Breaking-up with someone is just as bad. And then there's the uncertainty of the relationship within it- is this person being faithful? can I trust this person with a potted plant, a cat, meeting my family, a dock line, a scuba tank, twenty bucks to buy a carton of milk? Not to mention any feelings that may come up that I may not have control of. Yeah great. That sounds like a lot of fun. Ugh.

Love can be lovely, but it can kill ya more often than not.

2003-12-04T15:03:00.000-08:00

love continued...

what brings people to it? what pushes others away from it?

I lived both sides of the coin... fear and pain from finding myself alone in a place I wanted very much to share. also the incredible rush of giving a part of myself that I would never trust to give to another person- I knew there was no way I could not not give it to that person at that time... if that makes any sense.

In any case, fear love trust pain manipulation beauty darkness light rage forgiveness- it's all there.

so where to go from here?

Caution: it may look like naive little girl ahead. I'm not looking for set answers. I'm just trying to approach this while I don't have an invested interest in the outcome.

At least, I don't think I have an invested interest in it right now. I've been wrong before.

2003-12-04T14:00:00.000-08:00

What's love got to do with it?

I don't seriously think about love often. At least not in the way of diving into it with fearless abandon that it warrants at times. The last time that happened was about two years ago. Since then, I've ignored it within my own life, while watching others grapple with it, mostly without much measurable success.

Last night, I listened to the wind storm and wondered about it. (Not that I'm going to start looking for it, mind you.) I started thinking how it worked for some and not others.

I've witnessed some incredible extremes in love- lately, I've been spending time with a couple who love each other tremendously, who are both dying of cancer at a synchronous rate. Neither one of them would dream of letting the other go through this illness alone. I suppose they don't have much choice in the matter, but that's not really the point. They are moving through their own fatality together.

Back in September, my father and I sat in a pub and discussed what it takes to find someone to love who will love you in return. We both admitted that I may have had a little more sucess in that department than he has (poor guy). But this is what we could figure...

1. It has to be a compatible sort of person,
2. who is not already attached (there are all sorts of levels of attachment),
3. in the same place,
4. at the same time,
5. moving in a similar direction.

Five conditions. And believe me, having four out of five doesn't cut it.

There are all sorts of love- lingering dormant to the rare fearless abandon that sells movies and romance novels. I'm not a dried-up old bitty- there's a heart in here somewhere. But it seems to me that it can lead us on fools' errands, leaving us wondering how the hell we got here in the first place. Then we remember... oh yeah. we were flying once.

Don't want to get my wings clipped, but there have been more than once that I've wanted to look up a wing clipper in the yellow pages.

2003-12-01T11:30:00.000-08:00

yes, I contributed to it. But all I did was the tree, I swear.

It looks like a large, but very jolly Christmas entity took a huge sneeze in the living room. The room is caked in festivity.

Tha cats are happy, though- they have their favorite water dish back, complete with a massive decoration coming out of it with all the lights, bells, strings and hiding spots they love.

Actually, it should be a nice christmas this year- the bug is bigger, I'm poor but that's okay and it's always nice to have people around when it was lacking the year before. This will be the last christmas that will be "full" of people, so yeah... I'll be enjoying it.

But, the house is remarkably covered in Christmas shit... eh.. snot. Whatever.

2003-11-29T14:43:00.000-08:00

Took a very long, involved personality test: turns out that I am "Introverted Thinking with Intuition".

Means that I'm good for: law, architecture, computer programing (heh) and writing. I like to work alone or small groups of good solid folks, nonstructured environments, learning new stuff, and developing creative, theoretical and logical processes and solving complex problems. Evidently, I can see the big picture easily and I can use long-term thinking.

I get pissy with organizing people, supervision, being realistic on a consistant basis (heh), redundancy, and I can be insensitive to other people's feelings (because I don't have any), critical and demanding of others.

And there are only 4 percent of people of this type in the US. Fifty percent of people who are the exact opposite of that type (Extraverted Sensitive with Judging) make up the US population.

This tells me a hell of a lot right there.

(The only conflict I have is with architecture- for some odd reason, I don't like my creations to be physically bigger than me.)

2003-11-29T11:40:00.000-08:00

I ended up having salmon for thanksgiving.

We went to Jake's Grill, an established restaurant on the Portland scene. This restaurant has been around forever- with the wait staff done up all in white suits and black bow-ties, a beautiful mahogany bar, mounted bufflo head, brass, hunter green trim, dark- you get the idea. If it was a different era, there would have been cigar smoke. A pretty classy place that is also reknowned for its salmon. Needless to say, since it's such classy dive, I've only been there once (my high school graduation). So to hell with having turkey. Serve me the salmon.

It was perfect. Some of the best I've had in ages.

And get this- some guy tries to pick me up in the bar with my mom sitting right next to me. She was laughing so hard, tears were coming out of her eyes. At one point, the guy asked what was wrong with her. I said, "Oh nothing. She's just my mother." Remarkably, it didn't phase him. I don't think he believed me though- she and I don't look anything alike.

Pretty interesting holiday.

Now everybody get back to work and talk to me about a job.

2003-11-24T12:35:00.000-08:00

deleted

have a nice day

2003-11-22T13:18:00.000-08:00

How would a girl like me come up with $13,000 in four months time?

Legally.

2003-11-19T10:35:00.000-08:00

It is snooooooooowing. Big fat chunky flakes.

They taste wet.

2003-11-18T12:32:00.000-08:00

A dying woman speaks a dying language, standing in a mansion the kingdom of vitality built.

2003-11-15T20:02:00.000-08:00

I love this passage, again from McKee's Story...

"When we remove conflict from one level of life, it amplifies ten times over on another level.

If, for example, we manage to satisfy our external desires and find harmony in the world, in short order serenity turns to boredom. Now Sartre's "scarcity" is the absence of conflict itself. Boredom is the inner conflict we suffer when we lose desire, when we lack a lacking....

By and large, the struggle for physical survival has been eliminated for the educated classes of the industrialized nations. This security from the outside world gives us time to reflect on the world inside. Once housed, dressed, fed, and medicated, we take a breath and realize how incomplete we are as human beings. We want more than physical comfort, we want, of all things, happiness, and so begin the wars of the inner life.

If, as a writer, however, you find that the conflicts of the mind, body and soul do not interest you, then look into the Third World and see how the rest of humanity lives. The majority suffer short, painful existences, ridden with disease and hunger, terrorized by tyranny and lawless violence, without hope that life will ever be any different for their children.

If the depth and breadth of conflict in the inner life and the greater world do not move you, let this: death. Death is like a freight train in the future, heading toward us, closing the hours, second by second, between now and then. If we're to live with any sense of satisfaction, we must engage life's forces of antagonism before the train arrives.

An artist intent on creating works of lasting quality comes to realize that life isn't about subtle adjustments to stress, or hyper-conflicts of master criminals with stolen nuclear devices holding cities for ransom. Life is about the ultimate questions of finding love and self-worth, of bringing serenity to inner chaos, of the titanic social inequalities everywhere around us, of time running out. Life is conflict. That is it's nature. The writer must decide where and how to orchestrate this struggle."

okay. okay. one more and that's it. maybe.

"As an audience we embrace the artist and say: 'I'd like a poetic experience in breadth and depth to the limits of life. But I'm a reasonable person. If I give you only a few minutes to read or witness your work, it would be unfair of me to demand that you to take me to the limit. Instead I'd like a moment of pleasure, an insight or two, no more than that. But if I give you important hours of my life, I expect you to be an artist of power who can reach the boundaries of existence.'"

Thanks for your time. One day, I hope to become an artist of power that can reach the boundaries of existence. All for you.

2003-11-13T18:14:00.000-08:00

So here's an updated list of the (more interesting) companies that I have been trying my damnedest to break into as of late:

Lonely Planet US office in Oakland, CA. Based in Melbourne, Australia.

Nike based right here in Beaverton. this is probably my best bet as I have a couple of insiders that can keep an eye out for openings.

Wieden + Kennedy a local-schmokal advertising agency started in Portland (if I remember my local history correctly). Also has offices in New York, Amsterdam, London and Tokyo. Most award winning advertising agency in the world (if you believe an ad agency's webpage) and has an amazing client roster. (*cough* Nike owns their hides *cough*). ;)

If you are going to look at only of these pages, check that one out. It's worth the two-minute peek. pretty damn cool.

Blue Magazine based in New York City. I like their attitude, concept and image. But from what I can tell, it's not very well run. For one, their distribution sucks- I can't find it even in the largest magazine retailers here, or even the travel-specific literature retailers. And their website has not been updated in six months. Not cool.

If you gotta any ideas to share with me, spill 'em.

please.

2003-11-11T11:59:00.000-08:00

Hey. How you all doin'?

well, you are lookin' good.

(Talk to me if we haven't had "the talk" about a possible upcoming late June event.)

2003-11-06T11:01:00.000-08:00

Interesting how if you can't make a decision, life forces the issue anyway.

My uncle's in the hospital- open heart surgery last night. Looks like he'll pull through okay. Shocked the hell out of the rest of us though.

I've decided to find a job where I can stick close to the area for the time being. No more east coast searches. He (my uncle) would be sorely pissed at me if I didn't keep on pursuing what I want to do. So I'll spend the next year getting my ducks lined up in a row to attack graduate school- Fall 2005.

As I look up, I see there are far too many pictures of me traveling alone.

(Hey doC, what were those schools for Masters in International Relations that we talked about eariler in the year? My paper list got lost in the move. All I can remember is London School of Economics and Georgetown University....)

2003-11-04T10:19:00.000-08:00

The job was perfect.

Travel around the country for six months. Learn a new skill (video and sound production). Pay is very decent- not unionized, but then I don't plan to become a union member. Food and lodging paid for by the company. Work with interesting folks.

It just sucks that the creep was coming on to me during the interview. Do not want to share a hotel room for six months with a guy that can't keep it in his pants.

Back to the drawing board.

2003-11-01T14:13:00.000-08:00

Here's a little something I wrote up about a couple of weeks ago: Gaydar

Just to give you an idea, November's theme is "voice". The overarching theme of the e-zine is the Internet, but I've noticed a definate deviancy from that in the past year, which is good for any subsequent entries. However, for my first piece to them, I wanted to hit both of those birds cleanly- much safer that way.

Not front page stuff, but then, I'm not the editor.

Thanks to those of you who helped with the inspiration.

2003-10-28T16:19:00.000-08:00

Global Stage(?)

Whaddya think? Is it a hoax or for real?

I'm giving it a whirl just to see what shakes out of it.

2003-10-27T13:32:00.000-08:00

It's been beautiful here the last few days- 75 degrees, bright blue sky and gorgeous fall leaves. My dad came down and we drove out to the countryside to one of the many pumpkin patches.

He picked one, brushed the dirt off and put it on top of his head.

pumpkinhead.

2003-10-22T17:47:00.000-07:00

Went on a little adventure last night. I was invited to be a part of a consumer opinion consortium about state and federal taxes (for $50 and a free sandwich, I'll discuss anything for a couple of hours).

It was an interesting- the group was all women (we were told men tend to dominate the conversation, so discussion groups were divided up by gender) Eight of us sat in plush chairs in a stark-white room with a small microphone hanging over the middle of a conference table. To one side, was a large one-way mirror, behind which was a panel of experts drinking lattes, discussing who was most likely to win second prize in a beauty contest (I'm guessing).

At first, the mediator asked how we felt about taxes- how they were generated in Oregon, how they were spent by the state, who was being taxed for where and what and so on. Most of the group maintained that states funds are mismanaged and didn't like the idea of implementing more taxes now, even though the state revenue is below the budget by $3 billion. But most of these folks didn't like the idea of implementing more PERSONAL taxes. In the end, most of us were for taking away the flat tax for corporations (6.6%) and implementing a three-tired system of 5%, 7%, and 9% based on profit. She told us we were being fickle- first we didn't want new taxes, but by the end of the session, we did. She lambasted us in the end for being inconsistant, which I didn't like. I mentioned it. She moved on.

Unfortunately, most of the discussion was beyond my personal experiences as of late. Since I haven't lived in this state for over two years, I'm not up on the current local issues and key players in the legislature. But it was interesting to see where people's values lay. One woman was adamant on putting a stop to government research that pulled wings off flies. Another woman admitted she had paid taxes in years. (I'm pretty sure she forgot she was being recorded.)

Anyway, it was a fun-filled evening. Spent some time in a Barnes & igNoble looking at all the pretty books beforehand. It's hard- there are many many books I want to read, but if I buy them, then I have to have a place to put them down. If I have a place to put them down, I'll be encouraged to get more. It's a never-ending vicious cycle of ownership- I own them and they own me. I should just turn away and go back to my nomadic buy-and-sell harmonic relationship with Powells.

Almost forgot the most exciting part- caught a guy whacking off in the bushes as I was walking to the train. Gotta love suburbia.

2003-10-21T12:45:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the support everybody.

I'll pull myself out of it soon.

2003-10-17T17:17:00.000-07:00

Okay, people always seem to be asking me the same questions, so here are the answers.

Honest Assessment of My Life Right Now

Professional: Been hard at job searches since mid-July and nothing. No interview, no response, nothing. I know I am qualified for what I'm looking for and I know where to look. Portland Oregon has no entry-level positions for this field, neither does Seattle Washington. Frankly, I really should be in New York City. That was were I was going to go late September, but my sleeping couch provider there left for Asia. She should be coming back soon.

I have also applied for a job with the UN in Nairobi as an Editorial Assistant. I am very excited about this, but I am realistic with myself- my chances aren't terribly high on getting it. Also have done some writing for a local e-zine- which will hopefully give me some exposure.

Social: yes, I'm living with my mother at the moment. No, I don't get along with her very well. I just moved back to the country- I have no means of getting around. I have very few friends around here as I have been away for so long. And I haven't had a boyfriend in a long while- so no, I'm not getting any lovin', I'm-here-for-you-honey-I-believe-in-you-can-do-it support, or partaking in any enjoyable miscellaneous activities.

And I've been asked about this- yes, I like ze. No, let me re-phrase that. I like ze's creations. I think he does good work and I enjoy playing with what he makes. I know next to nothing about ze the person other than he isn't gay, his favorite colors are orange and turquoise and he lives in New York. I'm looking for a publishing job, which is best found in New York. To my knowledge, there is no correlation. Unless ze holds the keys to all the top publishing firms. I wouldn't know.

And from what I can tell, he is happily involved. There's no way in hell I would come anywhere near that or him. Those who know my past well enough will know I mean it. I know what stalking feels like- it's not pretty.

So why New York? I like the place. I miss being around a place like Tokyo. I miss the wry honesty of China. New York seems to have both. Portland doesn't. I know Portland. Portland is home. Home is a nice place to visit, but I don't want to live there. See above for my professional goals.

Health: Deteriorating. Had a trite battle with an insurance company- they will not cover me for two years. In the meantime, I will get to pay them money for them to not cover me for what I need them for.

Mental: pretty agitated and frustrated most of the time. I don't sleep or eat much. trying very hard to keep my spirits up, but it's tough. I tend to latch on to the smallest happy thing. Feel like I've been fighting too many battles and moving around so much for the last five years that I've forgotten what it's like to be geuninely happy and at peace in my own world. Would really like to get there. I feel like this next job is the final big step in order for me to take back my life. But it's just not happening.

There you have it. I'll let you know if anything changes.

Oh yeah, Grindell is still MIA.

2003-10-17T12:42:00.000-07:00

C'mon folks. I really need a job.

Bad.

I'll do a good job. Really. I swear.

I think that's why I've been so weird lately. I need something to sink my teeth into. Something besides playthings. As much as playthings are fun, I need some balance in my life.

Sorry if I've been weird in your direction. I'm just pretty lost right now.

2003-10-15T13:03:00.000-07:00

I have issues with...

history
camping
labor
age
submission

Take Word Association Test

Who knew?

2003-10-14T18:06:00.000-07:00

Yes. Yes I did just apply for a job in Nairobi yesterday.

It's okay, guys. I have a million to one shot of actually getting it.

2003-10-12T11:13:00.000-07:00

Okay, so if your confluence has been done for The Degree Confluence Project (see below), you can still have fun with geography- Geocaching.

Be sure to dig out your GPS.

2003-10-11T14:06:00.000-07:00

There's one within 49 miles of you.
Do your part for geography.

The Degree Confluence Project

2003-10-09T13:51:00.000-07:00

as some of you already know, I'm a fan of crusing craigslist, a grassroots online community for everyday stuff- housing, jobs, stuff to barter, exotic and erotic girls to attend law firm parties, mothers hiring strangers to wake up their children, Spiderman gigs in Brooklyn, etc.

so, I'm very excited to see this being filmed in SF: 24-hours on Craigslist. Zealot pictures is following up and filming on all the postings from August 4th, 2003 in San Francisco. Can't wait to see it.

Truth is stranger and heaps more entertaining.

2003-10-08T14:50:00.000-07:00

So last night, I'm reading Story by Robert McKee. I'm in the chapter where he talks about the Writer must Master Classical Form (of storytelling), when I come across this passage...

"By instinct or study, fine writers recognize that minimalism and antistructure are not independent forms but reactions to the Classical.... The avant-garde exists to oppose the popular and commercial, until it too becomes popular and commercial, then it turns to attack itself.... These cycles of formality/freedom, symmetry/asymmetry are as old as Attic theater. The history of art is a history of revivals: Establishment icons are shattered by an avant-garde that in time becomes the new establishment to be attacked by a new avant-garde that uses its grandfather's forms of weapons."

Understood this already, but to see it in writing is interesting. Especailly considering the past year with the mulitplicity of bulletin boards.

2003-10-07T17:00:00.000-07:00

Profile has been changed from the Roy G. Biv chain to my resume.

A girl's gotta eat.

Any advice is welcome- to give you an idea, I want start to start in publishing, but get back into school for a Masters in International Relations.

Or a Masters in Fine Arts. Whichever comes first.

I still want mandolin lessons.

2003-10-06T16:44:00.000-07:00

Just launched amandarust.com. Made possible by the generous birthday contribution from tmwc. Thanks, man.

If you check it out, be kind- this is my first time with web site building. Any and all suggestions are welcome- especially from those of you who've been around this block a time or two.

root beer floats and catnip are on me tonight.

2003-10-01T11:42:00.000-07:00

October 1st

It's about that time.

Change is riding the cool wind. He could feel the hints in his limbs.

He gets up from his burnt orange corduroy la-z-boy and shuffles his way across the wall-to-wall carpet, plaid slippers staying on his stocking feet by friction. Into the kitchen, he stands up straight and stares at the Frigidaire. Top mount freezer so's the young'uns couldn't sneak ice cream before dinnertime. Not much worry about that now.

He opens the freezer door. Billows of icy fog spill out, revealing a complex masonry of butcher paper and ice crystals. Blocks of carefully wrapped steaks and pork chops fit together perfectly, sided by tater tots and otter pops from 1973. He keeps them around just in case.

He reaches back to the far left corner of the freezer and pulls out a cigar box. Opening the lid, he reveals fifty-three red and green candy canes with little white stripes. Every Christmas they were married, she made red and green candy canes with little white stripes to hang on the tree. And every year, he would make like he was sneaking one away to eat, only to hide it in this old cigar box. The box once lived hidden among all the rest of the Christmas decorations down in the basement. But sometime ago, they found an infestation of ants and she told him to get rid of the silly things. He agreed, only to hide the box in the freezer back behind the meat where she'd never find it.

Fifty-three homemade candy canes, red and green with little white stripes. Don't forget those stripes. Those stripes always took the most time, a keen eye and a steady hand. The last ones she made, the white stripes jiggle, but only a little bit. "Messy." she said. Too much like the first ones, the early years when she was learning how to make them. But they wouldn't be the same without those white stripes.

He stood there for a long time, under the cold billows of freezer fog, looking at the red and green candy canes with little white stripes.

He closes the box, puts them in the refrigerator, so's the not-so-young'uns can reach them before Christmastime, and shuffles back to the la-z-boy to take a nap.

He never wakes up.

2003-09-29T09:45:00.000-07:00

cocooning

promise I'll have something pretty when I'm done.

2003-09-28T13:30:00.000-07:00

I blinked.

Or rather, the world blinked and I have reacted.

Sandy, my contact in the city, is being shipped over to Berlin first of October to check up on her American Field School participants. After that, she'll be back in Asia for a little while. This means we'll miss one another, ergo her appartment will be sublet to someone else while she's away. Which means I don't have a place to stay except for hostels. Do-able, but not very fun while I'm trying to become a little more responsible. Hostel phones and addresses aren't reliable enough.

Grindell still has not made landfall. My uncle, father and I lined up the conditions- Capetown is a haven for new catamarans being built. Annapolis is a hot spot for selling these toys- especially at the upcoming boat show. However, new boats usually don't have owners- which means there is a minimal amount of safety gear provided. However, he was doing this trip to rack up bluewater hours for his captain's license. This means he was not the captain- there should have been someone else on board.

In any case, he's not in Annapolis. And if something happened, there's not much more I can do there than what I can do here.

Nothing solid from the School of Visual Arts, nor some of the other avenues I've been pushing on since January.

Time to give up the ghost and figure out what to do with the cards left in my hand, I guess.

2003-09-25T17:01:00.000-07:00

"Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."
-Lewis Carroll

2003-09-24T13:38:00.000-07:00

some pictures from yesterday

strolling pond garden

bridge this one is a little overexposed in the foreground, but I still dig how it turned out. the lotus-shaped tops on the posts represent Buddha.

sand and stone garden an example of traditional garden of zen monastaries. one could go into to the light and darkeness, yin and yang, life and non-life, zen and tao thing on this one. But I won't.

temporal everlasting I like how the flowers peek out over the ripples and the stone on this one.

Mt. Hood downtown Portland in the foreground.

yep, yep. uh-huh. it's me birthday. happens.

makin' mojitos this afternoon and dinner tonight. Anyone game for spicy fajitas? Wanna come over?

2003-09-22T16:07:00.000-07:00

my old workplace

taking a stroll through tomorrow.
been turning Japanese for a long time.

2003-09-19T21:45:00.000-07:00

happy birthday, tmwc.

you scurvy bung hole dweller.

2003-09-18T12:20:00.000-07:00

hahahahaaahahahahahaahahhaaaaaaahhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahahahahahahahahahhahahaaaaahaaahahahahaahahaha!

god, I'm scared.

zoom!

wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

2003-09-17T09:45:00.000-07:00

So, here's the general idea of what I hope the next few weeks ought to bring.

I'm headed to the east coast at the end of this month.

My buddy Grindell should be making landfall in Annapolis soon. Since he was around when I made my first big ocean passage, I think it would be nice to return the favor, especially since I'm the only person in this country he knows. And with Isabel bearing down on the majority of his course from Cape Town, he'd probably would appreciate a friendly face in port.

In the meantime, I've had a couple people interested in some of my work, one of which is an old college buddy of the director of the School of Visual Arts. It's a tentative shot, but I want to take it. We'll see.

And yes, frankly, I was hoping to have coffee with a couple of guys whos' work and demeanor I admire. One I didn't have a chance to meet the first time and the other I half expected not to show. Now I know.

this is who I am- when I was 19, I went to New Zealand for seven months to find out what Waitangi Day was all about. I read part of a guide book on the flight over. Wrote a few research papers to keep my college professors happy, but mostly just made up life as it came along. I'm happiest like that.

Unfortunately, I have learned that it's very difficult to explain to people that I live my life by what the prevailing winds tell me versus where I would like to go. That has always struck me as a little odd because it's how EVERYBODY lives.

(And yes, I learned all about Waitangi Day. It's the day when the Treaty of Waitangi was signed, making New Zealand part of the British Commonwealth. It's treated like a bank holiday to end their summer.)

When I'm curious and the factors and feelings line up right, I go.

That is who I am. I make no apologies for that.

2003-09-16T16:21:00.000-07:00

okay.

my bad. sorry.

take care.

Shadows may disappear, but I will always be me.

2003-09-16T08:33:00.000-07:00

You know what?
I love train rides.

In fact, I love train rides so much, that I gave one to myself for my birthday.

a nice long one.

2003-09-15T14:35:00.000-07:00

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

fresh blackberries!!!

(I'm pretty ridiculous right now. )

2003-09-15T13:26:00.000-07:00

here's some pics from sailing

the great sea battle Lynx is perpendicular to our course, the one with her side showing. The Lady Washington (aka Black Pearl) is parallel to our course, trying very hard not to be hit by the Lynx's cannons....

god light in the harbor. Olympic mountains in the background.

2003-09-15T10:23:00.000-07:00

This was just sent to me by tmwc: Official website of Talk Like A Pirate Day, September 19th. Practice up, boys and girls.

I'm blogging from an old childhood haunt of mine- the crawl space under the desk. My family has owned this massive roll-top desk for the better part of forever. Under the desk is a cavernous opening, which served as one of my hideouts while I was growing up. I made all nice and cozy- a flashlight hanging down, books doubling as tables, even hung a blanket over the opening to make a door. The cats dug it too.

Now my old cave houses the pc cpu, a power strip, and most importantly, the broadband access. The cables are short and there's no router. oh well. I like it in here. I think I did a better job of decorating the place, though. But that was at the time of desktop cpu's from Radio Shack.

Some Plans are coming together- wait and see.

Spent most of yesterday drinking wine in the city park, watching zack hammer out a bronze belt buckle. Portland's Wine and Arts festival is mostly about local vineyards battling each other to get yet another award, but occasionally a few interesting artists show up as well. At least it's a nice excuse to drink wine on a sunny day in the park.

The weather is here, wish you were beautiful. Or something like that.

Hey, look! A cat toy!

2003-09-14T09:29:00.000-07:00

Yep.
It is infinitely more frightening moving toward something than moving away.

When moving forward through the dark, it's nice to have a waypoint or two. Stars make useful visual fixtures to help keep a steady course. However, some stars can only be seen in peripheral vision. When they are looked at directly, they disappear.

Pretty for poets, but difficult to navigate by.

That's probably why they came up with GPS, charts, lorans, compasses....

Brains like solids.
Sometimes.

2003-09-13T13:22:00.000-07:00

There is a little boy here who loves his annie-manie to bits. And she loves him back.
But they have seen each other only once in the past two years.
They deserve a little time.

Spent the last few days fixing Minerva (my comp). Watched Shrek, one of our favorites, and Nemo. very pretty. Love Dory, Bruce and the sea turtles. The bug and I have a date soon for candy bubbles. Hopefully, he'll remember that these are special bubbles and that not all bubbles are tasty to eat.

If not, he'll learn soon enough.

Even the kitties like bubbles.

2003-09-11T15:36:00.000-07:00

These guys are cool: Anvil.

Okay, they are cool because they're local guys who sit around on fluffy couches with polite cats and poets named Montana talking about teeth. Maybe they'll let me hang out with them for a day while I'm here competing with my own cats for couch space.

In the meantime, I have a 100-pound shadow panting behind me, quietly asking me for my grapes. Big dogs make interesting lunch companions.

End(ish) of September. Possibly sooner, but probably not.

2003-09-10T11:23:00.000-07:00

found this opening:

"Seeking 1 person Act/Bette Midler,Cher,Marilyn Monroe Impersonator"

I think I need to be just a little taller.

2003-09-09T14:06:00.000-07:00

nearly forgot.... spotted a very large pod of dolphins on the way back to Seattle. tried to film it, but my camera is too tiny. must get another one.

and I'm only staying in Oregon for a couple of weeks.
don't ask where I'm going afterwards, 'cause I ain't tellin'.

nothing personal- I just like to have a bit of privacy while I'm making messes. I'll tell EVERYBODY where I am once I'm settled and happy with the decision.

2003-09-09T12:15:00.000-07:00

hiya.

I'm back.
for a little while, anyway.

It was raining in New Jersey on Labor Day. I felt bad. The sunset was pretty above the clouds, though.

Sailing was excellent. Beautiful sunny weather, so my inverted raccoon-face has returned. Went to Port Townsend for the annual Wooden Boat Festival. Very happy hoards of people showing off beautiful craftmanship, old and young hippies messing about in boats and singing sea shanties. One of my favorite festivals ever. Even better in the late summer sun.

Was even able to film footage of a sea battle between the "Lynx" (a gaft-rigged wooden schooner, 100 odd feet or so) and the "Lady Washington" (a double-masted square rigger. She was the "Black Pearl" in the recent movie, Pirates of the Caribbean ) I call it Pirates of Port Townsend. Dizzy won't mind, I'm sure. One of these days, I may even post it up.... I'll put it on my list of things to do.

Took the train south yesterday. I love taking the train. They go through the "ugly" parts of cities, people wave as you go past, old men stop and watch, people talk inside about "the war years".

Now in Oregon, catching up with goings-on of my favorite three-year-old. One of these days, I'm gonna have to find me a job.

I'll put it on my list of things to do.

2003-08-19T22:19:00.000-07:00

Best laid plans....

The adventure has started, and I haven`t even left the ground yet.

Internet at my appartment has been cut prematurely, so my net access will now be dependent on net cafe visits and the kindess of strangers. It will stay that way until I`m able to find a place to stay put for awhile.

So far, my plan is to fly to Seattle to spend some time sailing with my father. I`ll probably be able to do some blogging again after that time. (E-mails are always welcome and encouraged. I`ll try to write back whenever I can.)

Thank you for your support. You are all in my pocket, coming along for the ride. I promise.

2003-08-17T07:24:00.000-07:00

Learned heaps this past week.

For instance, all life on this planet is exactly the same age. Because of the atmospheric conditions of our planet now, new DNA would oxydize before it would have the chance to reconstruct. That means, that elephant over there is just as old, genetically, as a single-celled organism running amok in your system. And both are as old as you.

Another thing I learned, movie film is made of photosensitive silver halides (knew that already) suspended in gelatin (this I didn't know). This gelatin made of several organic compounds, one being from the ears and cheeks of calves that have grazed on certain range grasses. So, not only is a bad movie a waste of your time, but it diminishes the life purpose of millions of sweet little calves.

Death to bad movies.

2003-08-16T00:20:00.000-07:00

found an awesome site today Worth 1000. Then turned on the BBC only to find them reviewing that very website. Love/hate it when that happens. Anyway, check it out- there's some wicked stuff people are creating with Photoshop.

General status- not bad, I guess. It's been raining four days straight. I still have a cough that has been hanging around since the Blogathon. Been reading books on interesting vocations. Pretty much decided where I'm going next, but none of the details haven't been settled, so I'm disinclined to say anything about it just yet. Actually, I decided a while back, but have been flirting with alternatives while trying to solidify this choice. So there ya go.

If it stops raining (and I stop coughing) some time before I leave, I'm gonna try to climb Fuji-san.

2003-08-13T23:11:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to take a moment and say it means a lot to me that you come in and check up on me here. I'm a very lucky gal to have so many cool people give a toss about my interactions with the world. Big, big thank you's to all of you kind and gentle folks.

Yes, even you.

I see you hiding over there.

Silly.

2003-08-12T23:47:00.000-07:00

It's the little things that make or break relationships.

The “little things” questionnaire.

Does the idea of standing on a dock make you seasick?

Do you have any fear whatsoever about boats or water? If you do have any fear, are you willing to overcome it? (For instance, I’m a bit fearful about swimming deep water. But with a wetsuit on, I’m happy.)

Can you cook? If not, are you willing to learn?

Any allergies? If so, how serious?

How do you feel about raisins? Cats? Having little marshmallows in the house just for cats to chase around?

Can you eat ice cream? (I once went out with a guy that couldn’t- it hurt his teeth too much. I considered not seeing him anymore. That is, until he took me out for ice cream “just to watch me enjoy it”. Nice lad and a good save.)

Given the choice, would you chose Cream of Potato or Cream of Mushroom soup?

If you see a little kid waving, do you wave back?

Are you addicted to anything? Cigarettes? Grape Nehis? Women named “Candy”?

You are sitting in a traditional Japanese meal. The other people around you are your gracious Japanese friends who are treating you to this fine and obviously expensive dinner. To start, placed in front of you is a cup of seaweed and vinegar. It looks absolutely vile. What do you do?
A.) say “What the fuck is this? You really expect me to eat this shit?”
B.) secretly pour the stuff in the flower vase. It’s all organic.
C.) actually try to drink it.
D.) I would never be in this situation because I don’t eat food or converse with others from foreign cultures.

Are you familiar with Marx? Can you distinguish between Karl and Harpo? Can you quote both of them? ( I love trick questions.)

Give an example of something or someone that makes you laugh.

List three things you want to learn.

2003-08-12T17:22:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I know. It's been a little while since I've written here. Mostly just trying to find jobs and do something else with my time rather than dwell on the idea that even though I'm trying to make something of my life, I could easily fuck up big.

I'll give you an image- I'm standing, blindfolded, at the edge of a very deep pool. I'm supposed to jump in that pool and swim. I'm not allowed to take off the blindfold until after I've jumped. I don't even know for certain that the pool has any water. I can hear some, but this is a random universe. That state can change at any point.

The symbolic optimist would say something like- "Well, there's water. Water signifies change. The blindfold means you don't know what you're getting yourself into, but at least you can take it off once you are in."

The pessimist would say- "You're going to fucking drown."

Went snorkeling yesterday. My Japanese father, Shigeru, took pity on me and invited me to come stay with him and his wife for a day in a resort on a nearby island. I gathered that they are regulars, because as we walked inside, we were instantly treated like royalty. Anyway, the snorkeling was lovely- saw tiny blue fish against the beautiful abyssmal blue. Made me miss diving.

Afterwards, we took a walk around the island- mainly subsitance farming. There are no cars except for the resort and the fisherman's trucks. Atsuko is a kindergarten teacher, so she said the magic words and we were able to take a private tour of a beautiful school made entirely of California redwood. Returned to the resort, went swimming in the pools and took a nice lazy onsen (public bath).

Notice a trend? Water is an essential element to the Japanese way of relaxation. I couldn't agree more. It was nice spending so much time in the water. Came home, laid down and felt myself swaying with the waves. Peace.

Water has been coming up in my thoughts pretty frequently lately. I guess it's due to spending some time diving into the ocean waves on the beach. And watching Waterworld the other night (what a poop movie- something was definitely missing on that one. Good concept, but terrible execution on the writing. That Jeanneau trimeran that Costner used is laid up in San Diego now, gathering mildew. What a waste.) Spending more time in the water yesterday felt good.

Kind of ironic that I don't know how to swim very well.

2003-08-07T07:03:00.000-07:00

Choose my adventure.

As some of you know, at the end of August, I am due to leave Japan. There are several plans afoot, but nothing has been settled yet.

Here's what I am looking at.

One- the disappearing plan. Hop aboard a freighter in Yokohama and head south to New Zealand or Austraila (wherever they decide). It'll be summer there soon, so it will be somewhat easy to return to the peasant traveling lifestyle- hostel managing, fruit picking and devil stick performances. Spend time hanging out with balcony bums, surfers and somewhat neferious types. Makes for interesting stories, but an outcast life with little to no financial support. Doesn't appeal to cats either.

Two- the practical plan. Return to "civilization" (America) for a time. Develop some skill sets that I've become fascinated with over the past few years, but have been too busy with traveling to do much about. Two potential locations I am looking at settling into, one much easier than the other- however, "easier" does not always constitute as "better". Makes for common stories, but an involved life with a much higher potential for financial support. Cats tend to like this type of life much more.

Three- something else entirely.

I am 23, single, some pocket money, but also with some bills to pay. What would you do?

Any ideas? Suggestions, advice, comments- all is welcome.

2003-08-05T17:19:00.000-07:00

My sister-in-law wrote this in an e-mail she recently sent to me...

Everything I need to know I learned from marrying a Rust:

5. The more computers I own the the more well rounded I will become. :)
4. It is possible to hold my pee for over 24 hours and not get sick. (don't ask.... )
3. Never drink a full can of coke - and what I don't drink is left on the floor or on the table for people to tip over. *grrrr*
2. Playing hooky to go to the beach is fun.
1. And the number one (even though there are pages and pages of other things I could write down) Never believe everything that other people say.

I think she is, quite possibly, the coolest sister(-in-law) I've ever had. It is completely irrelevant that she is the only one.

Shoot, my whole family is a pretty damn cool.

2003-08-03T07:01:00.000-07:00

Love may be the international language. But before there is love, there are fireworks

Hanabi festival last night- "Hanabi" means sky flower. These are a couple of my favorites: red smoke and taking a picture with his cell phone. If you look carefully, you can see the picture on his screen too.

Ten thousand gathered on a beautiful summer night for, among other things, octopus balls

They are delicious.

2003-08-01T20:26:00.000-07:00

Yes, I've been purposely dodging giving an answer to the question, "Where are you going after Japan?".
There are several different plans afoot, anyone of them just as likely as the other. Of course I have my preferences, but that'll be up for the panel of judges, that giggling lil' storyteller, the ones holding some of those strings that I can't quite ever reach, to decide if they happen. Not Fate, but Fate's Bookie- the ultimate numbers runner. In the meantime, thank you for your cooperation and please stay tuned for further updates.

I need some sleep. Insomina has come for a visit, the bastard.

2003-07-31T02:35:00.000-07:00

It's a good thing you aren't here. Then, I might actually have to become a human.

2003-07-30T19:47:00.000-07:00

well here I am, back again. It's been like priming a dry pump the last few days- too many words. so many words swimming and drowning in words, words WORDS. Heh. I lost my way. Figures.

Anyway- sometimes thing strike me and I get the urge again- like Bob Hope's death. I was never really a fan of his, but he represents to me an era of performances in Hollywood that almost seem to embody sophistcated innocence, simplicity. Sure the plots were terrible, sometimes non-existant- the love staged, the fur real, the women wearing them just a little less fake than the diamonds they wore. But it's the PROCESS from metamorphsising an art form from stage to screen- that is what we can learn from. My appreciation deepens for the films now when I know where films have been.

Yet, it's a quandry- sometimes the lines are just better knowing that they came from past.

On to other business- one of these strange dates is coming up: August 2nd. I should probably preface this- I am not into the everyday crystal New Age oracle business- that's as commercial as hawking love brought-to-you-by-Hallmark on Valentine's day. But I do try to pay attention, even to the odd little quirks my mind makes up. And one of them is around dates- there are certain dates that just stand out in my mind for no particular reason- January 3rd, February 10th, August 2nd, October 12th, and December 15th. No birthdays, nothing to make them any more memorable than any other date. Well... August 2nd was the day I got my ear pierced 13 years ago. I remember my father was out on the ocean- I think it was my mother's way to shake up his homecoming. Come to think of it, July 31st also stands out...but I think that's because of a memory. A white water rafting trip- the runs were great, the weather hot, and the company and scenery were wonderful. But at the end I collapsed- the start of several painful attacks that happened during my teenage years. Never did figure out what it was.

Anyway, back to the dates- my brother does it too. He's convinced that he's going to die on August 12th, sometime in the future. Creeps my sister-in-law out. Fortunately, I don't feel that way about any of these dates- it's actually more of a good feeling rather than dread.

So yeah, that's me right now- the good old days, dates, death and memories. Always memories. Hopefully now that I've written this out, my brain will move on to something else.

2003-07-26T21:06:00.000-07:00

well, here I am past the halfway mark- 9 hours more to go.

For those of you who don't know, I'm standing on my head for twenty-four hours for charity.

That's what it feels like- and I have been doing a lot of headstands to get some blood to the brain and out of my legs.

Stories are shaping up nicely- I especially like how Mujara is shaping. I may return to her when I'm not marathoning against time.

Lapsing into weirdity pretty soon, so I may post here again to play it out- not much weirdness happening on the ze board, sad to say.

2003-07-24T03:15:00.000-07:00

was ankle-deep in student evaluations this past week- wrote over 100 pages, using sexy words like "syntax" and "verb conjuncation". skipped out on my late classes last night- too exhausted to teach. Worked all weekend after a week of pulling 14 hour days. Came home and slept.

Finished with the evaluations now. Hopefully, they will now leave me the fuck alone, so I can slip out of here quietly.

Looking forward to the blogathon. At least that's the kind of fun worth staying up for.

hey, oh yeah- my buddy grindell is sailing from Cape Town to Annapolis starting Monday. Wish him happy sailing.

2003-07-22T18:15:00.000-07:00

Sponsor me in the 2003 Blogathon. Peas and carrots.

Today's the last day.

2003-07-16T19:41:00.000-07:00

Watched Amelie last night before going to sleep- and I dreamt in French.
I think, next time, I'll hire a translator to come along with me when I sleep.

I know I may sound like a broken record at this point, but this came to me last night as I was walking home- I like taking the dark streets home at night here. Because in there, in the darkness, I am free to walk the way I am.

My father instilled in me to always walk confidently- even if you don't know where you are going. If you walk with confidence, then people will 1.) leave you alone, 2.) get out of your way, and 3.) treat you with respect.

I walk differently here. Confidence is not kosher.

I've tried walking the same way, but it's considered extremely rude and vulgar. (The looks on people's faces is enough to show me that). So now, I walk with appreciation and move with the pack, unless I am actually trying to get somewhere. Appreciation because I'm just a gai-jin guest- I must always accept that. With the pack, because that is what everyone else is doing- if you don't conform a little bit, it's insulting.

Now, I'm all for appreciation- I think the world should have more of it. But to ALWAYS be appreciative of something so basic as where you are- that's difficult to keep up. It's like looking at the Playdough on the table and being appreciative of its molecular structure- yet never touching it, never play with it, mold it into different shapes, get it under the nails or lick its creamy center.

mmmmmmmmmm....creamy playdough.
joking. joking.

It's more salty than creamy.

Anyway, you have to have a little bit of confidence in the molecules that hold the Playdough together to forget about their existence- at least long enough in order to create something completely new. Some people can do both- and maybe one day I will be able to also. But right now, I'm a lazy git. I just want to play and be confident in who I am.

And walk with my head high to the beat of my internal drummer.

2003-07-14T19:17:00.000-07:00

I think I walk like Kermit the Frog.

Whenever I'm walking and I catch a glimpse of my reflection, I'm always reminded of the Muppets- usually Kermit.

Either Jim Henson is THAT good...

or I walk funny.

2003-07-11T19:05:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's fun to just let go of the reins and see where the horse takes you.

You are odd. Just like everyone else.

Everyone is being becoming nothing- that's what life is all about. Yet, our reality seems to be teeming with opposites that circle in on themselves....
Is there "Being becoming nothing notcoming being"?
When we are notcoming, we are becoming, and we don't pay attention to what we do not see or experience.

I'm notcoming a clown who eats bubbles.
I'm notcoming a Hollywood motorcycle stuntgirl.
I'm notcoming a professional glider pilot.

I'm notcoming many things. But I am becoming something.

Hopefully, parts of those notcomings will be in the becoming.
Even better if they were in the being.

Being vegetarian means you know what it's like to be without people.

You are down in the dumps- your girlfriend or boyfriend (or both) left you. You got fired from your job. Your family disowns you. Your friends think you need a bath.

Everyone is gone- except the dog.

It's not nice to eat the dog.

Koko, the Wonder Dog, was curiously silent for this one. Perhaps it was because it came in the deep night. She sleeps hard.

This one actually felt good- like a jolly laugh from within the Earth, like sleeping on Jello. The room was dark blue, and safe- no sound save the creaks from the walls. I guess they didn't like the idea of something moving under them.

I just remember being cradled by my blankets and wiped out- my body spent from trying to keep cool under the blankets. There was no reason to dash about to save anything.

In that moment, I was ready to let go. Reins, horse and all

2003-07-10T07:59:00.000-07:00

I've been adopted. again.

I already have a Japanese "father"- Tsunashima-san. (I call him by his first name, Shigeru, when he's not looking.) He is an older gentleman and my Japanese language teacher. He has seen fit to educate me in Japanese culture as well.

Now, I know I have much to learn, but I have been blessed as far as a gai-jin is concerned- I started my Japanese instruction when I was nine- my elementary school ran a Japanese culture and language program. My cousin lived in Yokohoma and sent a Japanese girl to live with us when I was 13. Later, during high school and college, I worked for a traditional Japanese Garden for several years- I used much of that time reading about Japan. My areas of focus for my geography study in college were Oceania and Asia-Pacific- again with a focus on Japan.

Needless to say, Japanese culture is not all that foreign to me. (The language is another matter entirely)

Yet, the Japanese way is one of the most intricate cultures in the world- and despite the education I have received thus far, it is a tiny drop in a very deep bucket. Shigeru tries to cultivate me the best way he knows how- by acting like a father.

So, he scolds me in public for not slurping my soba noodles, or for saying "Domo" instead of "Domo arigato gozimasu" ("thanks" rather than "thank you very much"). What can I say? I've asked him to please teach me- so he is.

Anyway, this post isn't about him- it's about my new Japanese mama-san, Sachiko.

Sachiko is one of my "students"- she is an older lady who lived in Canada for a bit a few years ago. I mentioned to her last week that I've seen many yukatas (summer kimonos). Was it the tradition for the summer festival of Tanabata ?

"Oh yes! I will bring you one next time."

"Um.... okay."

So, this week she came, bearing two yukatas for me to try on: a yellow yukata and a blue yukata. She dressed me up like a little Japanese Barbie doll, then told me, "Okay, now you do it."

"Um.... okay."

(I am especially proud of the back of the blue one, since that's the one I tied myself.)

Now I have to keep practicing, because if I can do it correctly, then Sachiko will take me to a tea ceremony lesson. (Not just a tea ceremony, but a LESSON. If you have any idea how intricate a Japanese tea ceremony is, you know how nervous I am about an actual lesson- all in Japanese.) She left me both yukatas for my practice. The obi, the sash, is the tough part. I 'm not quite sure I'll remember how to do that.

Ask one question, and I have a Japanese mama-san.

I really have to be more careful next time.

2003-07-09T18:28:00.000-07:00

My composition for Being Gorgeous

Radio-Free Tuesday And The Man Who Did Not Like Puddin'

"We're doin' alright for ourselves."

"Put it back on the fire. Watch it whistle and snap."

"Tuesday, you never listen."

"Watch it, now."

Whhissstle. SNAP. pop.

"There it goes...Jello's last stand. The world will never be the same."

Quiver.
mimble. mimble.
shake.
muuuuuuuurl.

"Ugh...oh...ooooozy flambé makes me woozy."

"Sticky-sweet sugar syrup signals sick stomache? Or olarfactory openings observe odors?"

"Aye"

"Well then, my little angel-food cake...why don't I tiptoe over and give you a nice raspberry?"

Tip. toe. tip. toe. tip.

THPPPPPPTTTBBBBBBTTT!!!!!!

"AAAAH!"

And there they lay, Radio-Free Tuesday and The Man Who Did Not Like Puddin', in a world that will never be the same.

Doin' alright for themselves.

2003-07-06T19:04:00.000-07:00

Two of me boys are into delivering sailing boats now.

And another is studying Physics.

I dreamt that everyone I knew could speak Japanese fluntly.
All of you.
But not I.

And woke up speaking the words, "You need to get out of here".

Ugh.

2003-07-06T07:57:00.000-07:00

fuck.

fuck.

FUCK.

do you have any idea?

I'm skipping meals to be online as much as I am now.

I have a fucking large-ass question mark that needs some sort of answer in 56 days. And for the first time in my life, I'm genuinely scared of that question mark. I find myself telling myself- "you have got to be brave. you've done this before and you can do it again."

So much has gone wrong in the past- it's very easy for me to be scared now. Yet, there is absolutely no room for it. I have to focus and keep looking up. There is no fucking around this, no dramatics about it- I know my life, my health, is depending on me getting this move right.

I teach 33 hours a week and I have to be on every single hour of that time. For every hour I'm in the classroom, I need at least a half an hour prep. I don't get paid for that. I have over 100 students who depend on me for smiles, fun and some education, week in, week out. Whether I'm in the mood for it or not.

I'm living in a fucking box- I have no one that I can talk to in my 4-D space. I spend my time alone because otherwise I am being used to teach English. Or to be seen with. Not because people accept me as amanda. That person is an anomoly in a place where anomlies are not acceptable.

You have parties, family, work places full of people to connect with all around you. I have a coffee I look forward to once a week to watch the sad pachinko men. They watch me back.

And on top of all of that- I am trying to understand what the fuck has happened to my online community- a community that I'm already distant from. You are online, I sleep. You sleep, I'm online. Some of you talk on the phone to one another daily. I think that's great, but I'm definitely out of the loop on that one.

I'm trying to still have fun and play while walking the edge of a very thin ethical path, my chosen path. Alone. And I know that path pisses off a lot of people that I care about- YOU AREN'T THE ONLY ONE WHO IS ANGRY WITH ME.

BUT, in the end I HAVE TO LIVE WITH ME. Everyone else leaves- and they ALWAYS do.

Me and the Is- that's it. That's all I got, baby.

I'm gonna go find me some pigeons.

2003-07-06T05:56:00.000-07:00

Heaps of nonsense running through my head these days. Some of it good- most of it pretty silly.

sent a blanket e-mail admitting to what I've been up to for the past year (as I need sponsors for the Blogathon). Yep, I'm in Japan, but I've been spending a lot of my time writing on my computer. Most of my 4-D friends don't even know that I like to write. Oh well, I suppose that's not much of a problem- most of my friendships now are net-sustained anyway.

Oh, that reminds me- hi tmwc. hi gil. *waves*
So you've found me.
Welcome to my little net abode. It isn't much, but it's a home.

Started working with Ursula LeGuin's book Steering the Craft. It's based on a writing workshop that she runs in Portland occasionally. I've heard about it before, but it's terribly hard to get into. This book is the next best thing.

So far, her missives on writing have hit dead on- writing is a craft, a making that you can devote a lifetime to (I knew I liked her for a reason). The exercises have also been very fun. Here, I'll share the first one with you:

"Being Gorgeous"- write a paragraph to a page of narrative that's meant to be read aloud. Use onomatopoeia, alliteration, repetition, rhythmic effects, made-up words, or names, dialect- any sound effect you like, EXCEPT for rhyme or meter.
(the exception is to keep you from writing poetry. the idea is to learn how to write prose.)

If you like, post what you came up with here.

2003-07-03T19:52:00.000-07:00

Being vwey vwey qwiet.

Job hunting.

hehehehheh.

2003-06-29T08:15:00.000-07:00

ran the juggling workshop today- turned out fantastically. the kids had a blast- some of them even showed some improvement. most just wanted to balance the clubs on their heads, which is fine. I was doing it first.

played kickball and capture the flag also- hot sunny weather, lots of running around. heaps of kids. cartwheels.
afterwards, went to the beach for a swim.

awesome day.

got very sunburnt though.

2003-06-27T17:53:00.000-07:00

To tell you the Truth, boys and girls...

This.

This right here is my own private Switzerland.

I promise to come visit on occasion. But traveling for me is expensive these days and I have several rainy days ahead that need saved pennies.

Be good and have fun building the new place.

~me

2003-06-26T10:38:00.000-07:00

I am not a clannish person.

my family is in isolated pieces- they always have. I was an odd duck all the way through school; a lone wolf on the playground to wearing a red clown nose when I received my college degree.

I choose to live in places where I am more or less distinctive from the norm.

Many times, I prefer my isolation. I am happy to entertain myself, watch people come and go. Sit with my own noggin. Deal with the occasional stoning when they've come- and they do.

Never really belonged anywhere else, but that is my choice. Still is, to some extent.
I am the lightest person I know that I can carry.

But then, the most amazing thing happened- I stumble across a fun park one day while I was looking for the little man to dance and make me laugh.

And in that fun park, I found the most delightful playmates. They like the same little dancing man. Some of them like to scribble on the bathroom walls, others spit loogies in people's drinks. Water balloons go aflyin', a House of Mirrors makes a brief visit, and there are enough elephant ears for everyone.

Oh man, that was fun.

But some of these playmates know more- they know about contentment and stonings. Noggins and isolation. Red noses and lone wolves. And much more too.

Crap.

I've made friends.

Well, I better do something about it- otherwise I'm going to revert back to being four and pretend that I have imaginary friends.

So I did- I encountered a motley crue of monkeys in the mother of all apples. And the little man who can dance and make me laugh (He is very tall). The fun park was in NEARLY reach, if only for a day or two. Could even smell the elephant ears.

But oh man, that was fun.

Now, they are back where they belong (for the time being). And I begin to wish for more. The fun park had been under the dominance of very unhappy person who did not like water balloons, mirrors or elephant ears.

I had enough. I wanted my elephant ears.

But I must say, my newly-established friends shocked the hell out of me. I go away for a nap and I come back to the end of a "shoot-out". Reminded me of Lord of the Flies. I couldn't recognize some of you in your warrior paint.

I hate the smell of warrior paint. It makes me gag.

I know she brought it completely upon herself.

I do understand where the resentment comes from- I felt exactly the same at one time. But anger is remote control of a different form. So, I decided to just see her Truth- she is one woman half a world away with a computer. That's all. Nothing more. Nothing less. All she has done is expanded my experience with humans- just like everyone else. I have the right, and now the obligation, to talk back to her and say "What you are doing is wrong and hurtful. Stop it."

You obviously agreed. And you guys articulated that, very eloquently I might add. Yet, it was hard for me to watch- you also know what it is like to be on the other end of a "bullet", however eloquent.

I'm not scolding, I'm not judging. I would have probably joined in with a one or two shots, ifn I had been there. Ifn it happened a few monthes earlier. Ifn she didn't roll over and play her victim card. Ifn I had more real estate in chit-chat. Ifn I wasn't half a world away, a stinkbug with a computer.

Life is an ever-changing kaleidoscope of ifn's.

I truly think she doesn't have a complete idea what she does to people. No one truly does. And there is some element of forgiveness there.

But yeah. Given my druthers, I'm not into raising the awareness of a 35 year-old woman. I'd much rather play in fun parks.

Elephant ears, anyone?

2003-06-24T17:21:00.000-07:00

One board. For all.

I mean it, kids.

2003-06-22T16:29:00.000-07:00

Is it just me, or does the island of Kerguelen look like a small bird about to land on the water?

Check it out- the lat/long is about 52 degrees south, 69 degrees east.

2003-06-20T09:02:00.000-07:00

I'm digging the circular verse in fiction- if you haven't dabbled yet, go. Run, don't walk. Circles are pretty.

When I left this afternoon, I kept it in mind because it was still stuck on ambo's sticky fingers line. As I sat waiting for the train, I came up with this ending (my lines start from number 5)

1. curled
2. toes tucked
3. suckled honey drips
4. from eager sticky fingers
5. wrapped around my ice-cream cone
6. tongue catching vanilla
7. hokey-pokey*

*hokey-pokey is a kind of ice-cream, which I've only seen in New Zealand- it's vanilla-based with crunchy bits of honeycomb and honey swirls. It's fairly delightful, but not especailly spectacular as far as ice cream is concerned- no need to import, but do try it if you are headed in that direction.

---------------------------------------------------------

So, as I came up with this, scribbling it down in my notebook, I realized something: Distance = point of space + point of time.
For example, even though I was physically close to my apartment, I knew that I would not return until much later this evening. (Therefore, my chances of tacking onto the current verse were very slim.) At that point, I was much further away from my apartment than I would be later on in the day, even at the furtherest physical point- the school. Minute by minute, distance gets that much shorter. Not sure what this all means, but it seems to hang well.

----------------------------------------------------------

Typhoon all this week- not the weather, but the game. I've had open house all this week (yeah guys, smart- let's allow parents to watch my classes as I'm struggling to figure out what my boss did with them for the last three weeks). Typhoon is the ultimate classroom game- a little bit of intrigue, lots of ruthless competition, luck, excitement, secrecy, second-guessing the sensei (me) and a whole lot of acting on my part. Even the parents watching get into it. Oh and yeah, the students get to practice English.

Here's the game- before class, I make a 4X4 grid in my lesson book, randomly placing point values 1, 2, 3, or 4 (3 of each). In the four leftover squares, I place "T" for Typhoon. I draw the same grid on the board without the point values. Then, I divide the class into two teams and choose the starting team in the most objective, impartial way ( a little fast-paced eenie-meenie-minnie-moe action). A student from the starting team chooses one square- I ask them whatever language skill I want to review. If they get the answer right, then they find out what point value is in the square: 1, 2, 3, 4 or Typhoon. If it's a number, they win that many points for their team. If it's "T" for Typhoon, then the points their team has accumlated go back to zero.

Since I keep the point values hidden in my lesson plan, I'm able to totally play on the suspense. For example, the point value "1" and "4" start the same as the "T" when I write them. I write the vertical line first. Then I linger....

linger....

linger...

over that part that can either be the top of the "T", the finish of the "4", or leave blank and just keep as the "1" it already is.

It just kills them.

Sometimes I ask them, "Are you sure you want to know? Are you REALLY sure?" (That's when they hide their face or duck under the table)
Or, I'll act really crushed, or really excited- and put up a two.
or even better, put up the opposite point value of my reaction- act really excited, like it's a four. And then put up a "T"

(by the way, even though the points are my secret, I NEVER allow myself to change the point values in the middle of a game- once I've written them down, then that's what I put on the board. Otherwise, the game is rigged and I hate rigged games.)

I love playing it with a big group of spectators- parents especially. They get into it even more than their kids. And the kids REALLY get into it- some do little hocus-pocus spells before they choose a square, others try to get sneak peeks at my lesson book. I've even had bribes (cookies- they know my weak spots). But it's always in good fun and no one feels too badly about getting a typhoon, because it could happen to any of them.

For my part, I get to make silly faces. And play with my students' youthful tendency to ride the joyful crescendos of sticking it to their peers.... as well as watch each of them deal with the typhoons when they do come.

2003-06-19T15:37:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to think colors have a lot more power than we think.

2003-06-17T08:24:00.000-07:00

shhhhhh.....

wild fireflies

2003-06-14T01:01:00.000-07:00

The sweet cherry wine is to help the time spill away.
I don't even like sweet wines.

But, if I have a Japanese summer all to myself, melting into the sultry warm night with lips tasting of sweet cherry wine is a small consolation.

a very small one.

I guess what I'm looking at now is articulation- I will never have the chance to live this again, so I better take the time to experience and put it all together as best I can now.

Let me put it this way: I'm a kid in a museum looking at a masterpiece...no, LIVING in a masterpiece. I can barely make sense of what I see- but the difficulty doesn't just stop there. Oh no. Not even close.

The problem is, if I want to share what little coherency I have of this beauty, I must leave the masterpiece, leave the museum, find a park bench to sit down and tell the pigeons all about it (people come and go, but pigeons stay where the crumbs are) .

But why is this a problem, you ask?

Because timing is everything- or at least, a very large something. The masterpiece is always shifting. Everything I see today will be slightly different tomorrow- just like you can never go home again. And the price I've paid for the admission to the museum is huge after the opportunity costs are added in (which are still being tallied, by the way. Okay, okay...yes, I MIGHT have gained proportionally more opportunities than I've lost, but that is hard to see that in the thick of it.) What it boils down to is that I better do the best I can while I'm in it, because I'm not coming back. I can't.

In the meantime, sweet cherry wine should help take away some of the turpintine aftertaste of this painted world that I live.

2003-06-13T14:52:00.000-07:00

Do you know how much I love the Dukes of Hazzard theme song?

A whole lot.

2003-06-12T14:21:00.000-07:00

so I'm looking at what I gonna do when I grow up.

it's a little hard, because I'm always coming back to what I want to learn still. just the idea of being able to take lessons in something is exciting enough for me, much less being able to take them in my own language (sorry, I know I keep coming back to that, but it's a biggie- I'm getting my own voice as a present in a few weeks. I'm so excited I can hardly contain myself.) Dance baby, dance!!

Good thing there is a kitchen behind me.

Anyway, back to what I want to learn still. Heaps. Right now, I'm reading Story by Robert McGee- which would be the synthesis of everything I want to bring out. But there is a long road filled with tangents to get there. And a story is never an endpoint in it of itself...

I wanna teach my voice to hold a musical note properly on its own, I wanna drum, I wanna learn how to play music so I can appreciate it even more.
In the short term, I want Photoshop, Dreamweaver and Flash in my pocket (minerva just needs some RAM to boost her up a little so I can keep dabbling. plus I need to stay in one place so I can buy some online space to keep my motivation to experiment.)
I need to be able have enough room to put all the puzzle pieces together and enough money in my pocket to breathe, read, eat, play in the water...
To learn how to tell a story, to keep playing games, to keep teaching (if I can) (but, but... classrooms aren't messy enough. and there's never enough room to fly paper airplanes.)
Photography. Still for now, but I can see that mulitplying if I had my hands on a motion camera. Learn it, live with it, I don't care- as long as it's with me.

All of this for a good cause (or at least, most of it) so I can stay in love with the world.

And would someone PLEASE teach me how to ride a motorcycle so I can get around? I like walking, but it's not the best way to get around in the land of the freeway-lovin' fast car sexiness- a speedy kayak for those rivers of asphalt.

One thing at a time... I need to focus on what will get me to that place where I can do all of this. One of those "get-out-of-jail-free" cards will do nicely.
In reality, I'm going to have to make up my own bail.

2003-06-11T17:32:00.000-07:00

shiny bits of memories that lodged in my mind from the past two weeks...

my cats- (sam's silent meows. calvin holding me hostage in bed by laying where the blankets met the pillow, every single morning.) going in to save my frightened nephew from the tunnels in Chuckie Cheese, feeling simulataneously like a kid and an adult. doing the crossword at the Morning Star Cafe while the rest of the world rushed on with Monday morning. singing along with obscure grocery store music while juggling avocados (I love going to the grocery with my mom). sailing with my dad, talking to the sea lions. watching the marx bros with my dad and uncle. truely olging over the melding of fiberglass, electrical systems and propane tanks to make a sailboat. (watching) my brother bulid a computer. (playing) hoy-hoy (wrestling with pillows) with the Bug (nephew).

being stalked by Leigh. the Bud Light monochrome people on the subway. ze's selective memory. catfish and other fried miscellaneous objects (yak balls?). irish car-bombs. dickie's (aka british porn star) inablity to be inconspicuous (or sober). the villiage idiot- dueling banjos and the smell of humanity. Post No Bills. Pencil graffiti. Hoboken. Red Light Lounge. Japanese Jimmy Walker (yeah, you could have taken him). Matchsticks. Being picked up. Thankfully, being put back down again. Meeting the Lovely Lala. Eatting roses. Nick's diner feast of lox and cream cheese bagel. Singing "I Will Survive" with Leigh on the street.

Erik von Picklebutt, but everyone calls him Timothy. chocolate sculptures. losing all sense of outer reality to the big bang, flying over our galaxy and maya angleou's voice. lying under the world, watching it change from ice to now and back again. watching lala enjoy thousand-year old eggs. watching glenn bring out the best of our angie. seeing red and donnavan holding hands while walking on the street. talking with Leigh in the cab to the Red Light Lounge. giving the bartender impossible orders like "alcoholic. green. boy." and "sex on the beach but not that. girl. heavy on the alcohol." Being sad over feeling the bullet-proof vest after hugging Steve. Talking and getting a kiss on the cheek from one of the most elegent older gentleman I have ever met- he told me he is usually there for last call on Saturday nights.

Haze. Conversation and not eatting Indian food. Picking up ice cream, chessecake and "some candy". More conversation- games, theater of the oppressed, leslie feinberg, acting. Drinking the melted mango ice cream. three-hour nap. Packing after my shower (yes, nude), waving to the construction guy watching me from across the street. Having him wave back. Quickly putting on my clothes. He went back to work. Manhattan Diner for breakfast, watching the little girls dance with their own reflections. Finding a martini glass in my bathroom, unsure how it got there. Saying see you later. Flying off into the New York sky, feeling very unfinished about the whole thing- one of the best feelings I've had in a very long time.

I love it when a plan comes together.

2003-06-10T19:33:00.000-07:00

wiping the spittle from the side of my mouth....
okay, I feel much better now.

I guess I shouldn't take up residence in Mickey D's-fed freeway suburbia any time soon. Thankfully, there are heaps of other places to live. Even in the states.

My skull feels very roomy now, given that my brain is the consistency of fried jell-o. My automatic pilot is even waning a little bit, but she got me home, through the knots and tricks of the JR trains. I'm very proud of her.

However, it was all so very worth it. Once I can gather my thoughts (mmmmm....lumps of greasy green sweet goodness), I'll try to see if I can articulate them little better.